I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
