You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Couch. On fire.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
