3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
someone get that fucking seahorse.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
