his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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