Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
