when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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