a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
