Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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