I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
