he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
two words: eviction party
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
