I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
