hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
