so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
