i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Life is so much better after having sex.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
