dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
