My liver just broke up with me...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
