Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
