Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
