I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Your dad touched me again.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
