i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
