I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
