I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
