kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
