my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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