I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
His nipple licking is glorious
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