My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
