remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
they're like a gay fantastic four
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
