In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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