It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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