I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I pour the whiskey from now on
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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