I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
