Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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