How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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