I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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