Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
