I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
