apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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