My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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