I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Too much gin, very little bucket
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
