Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
