My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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