just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
