hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
