chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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