apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
