whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
