I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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