I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
