Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
