We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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