yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
