I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
