you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
