I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
