My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
