you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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